Well i decided to have an interesting day. This day was dull just like any other day of my life for the past few years that i have not been doing well. Altough today i decided to do something that will make me to accept life and move on with what life has to offer. I had no intention to do this whatsoever but eventually i decided to run a experiment. I keep on doing experiments with my life. I am one of the few who has gained a lot of weight deliberately to run my little experiment. The sad part is that i cannot get rid of the weight with this disease but can gain it. I have a complex disorder that baffles me. I dont know what on earth is making me sick. Doctors/Experts visited and scans taken cannot give me a definitive conclusion that i can come to terms with. In Spite of me having limited knowledge in medicine the symptoms i experience baffles me. Doctors cannot rule a neurological disorder as all my scans and electric tracings are clear. I have tried everything this country can offer medically. No specialist i have seen so far can make a neurological diagnosis. All thinks of it as a psychiatric manifestation. I can understand where they are coming from. I would diagnose myself with Dissociative disorder. From my psychiatric perspective the coast is clear for me. I can see feel and give my impressions clearly. Neurological stigma of this disease has taken a toll on me.
Anyways today i book tickets to watch Meri Pyari Bindu and Baahubali 2. I watch Meri Pyari Bindu for so many reasons. One of them is that i am haunted because of this name and god alone knows why. The movie revolved around a boy and a girl knowing each other for quite a while. The movie kept on talking about their college life and life after college. Eventually the guy decided to ask the girl out. The guys crush turned into a romance. Things were going smooth till expectations were met. As soon as reality did not match expectations the relationship hit rock bottom. The girl felt suffocated and did not want to be a part of his life any more. The guy was unable to deal with it. He eventually ended up doing something good for himself as a Ghost writer. The girl eventually could not match up to the pace with her own expectations and settled with some one else.
This movie for me has a meaning from the guys perspective. As long as one knows what the reality is can eventually expect good or bad from life, If one does not know what reality is cannot have any expectations. In the guys case scenario he did not know what the reality is and just had expectations of living in a flat in Matunga with two kids. When expectations dont match reality is when heart ache begins. Life in a similar way is the same for many. All feel God is good but when expectations don't match reality for some reason things turn soar. His views/thoughts automatically change thinking that he now knows it all. From my perspective no one on earth can expect anything if he does not know what the reality of this life is.
So realising this odd fact after watching the movie i eat a subway sandwich, baskin robbins ice cream and bengali sweets. I was again binging because i was angry and sad. I don't know the reality in my life which makes it hard for me to have any expectations. I know that i have to watch another movie in some time. The movie was none another than the Indian Blockbuster Baahubali 2. I have seen part 1 of the movie and i know what the theme revolved around. The theme revolved around the same thing that i have. He did not know what is going on. He had no clue that he had got anything to do with a kingdom which he never heard of. Eventually he figured out that he has got a lot to do with this kingdom. He was told what his role and stature is. He was taken aback after knowing the harsh reality. He was bought into the light of knowing that his real mother is alive. His father was revered as a king in this kingdom and was killed by his own supporter. Knowing the theme i decided to accept the reality of my life. No matter how much i break my head i will not know the head and tail of what i have till it is revealed to me.
I decided to skip the movie for it to be of some therapeutic value. I know the theme and i have expectations. My expectations may or may not match the reality. In Spite of it i will never know why Katappa killed Baahubali till i watch the movie in TV after some years.
With this i conclude if one does not know the reality behind the meaning of life he/she cannot have any expectations. The reason for most of the heart ache is when expectations dont match reality.
I feel bad for not watching the movie but this was just another experiment. Only experiments can give you some light.
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